The Everyday Hunter’s Deer Hunting Geek Test
(Originally published in the Warren Times Observer, March 21, 2009.)
Everybody knows the word “geek.” It’s a slang term, and one definition says it describes “a peculiar or otherwise odd person, especially one who is perceived to be overly obsessed with one or more things including those of intellectuality, electronics, etc.”
You wonder why Chanel No. 5 is so expensive,
but never question the price of doe urine.
That three letter abbreviation, “etc.,” means we have more geeks than just computer geeks. There are all kinds of geeks, so I probably don’t need to tell you that we have some deer hunting geeks around, hunters who are peculiar, odd, and obsessed about deer.
I’ve devised a little test to help you determine if you’re a deer hunting geek. (Circle the ones that describe you.)
1. You have copies of deer hunting magazines on your bedside table, your coffee table, your kitchen table, your desk, your workbench, your floor, your TV, and in your bathroom, your truck, your briefcase, plus a half dozen stacks of them around your house – and none of them ever gather dust.
2. Deer hunting websites are the most prominent bookmarks on your computer.
3. Your idea of dinner and a movie is venison burgers and a deer hunting video.
4. You never ask before you show someone a picture of your most recent buck -- and only AFTER that, you might ask “Wanna see pictures of my kids, too?”
5. Your family photo has a date and time stamp across the bottom, along with the logo of your trail camera.
6. You have to think for a minute about how old your kids are, but you can tell at a glance whether a buck is 1½, 2½ or 3½ years old.
7. You schedule next year’s deer season vacation time early – with a written request on December 1.
8. You’re driving down the road on an October evening, gaze out the passenger side window and say, “What a beauty!” and the pretty lady sitting in the passenger’s seat knows you’re not looking at or talking about her.
9. You hardly ever mow your yard because it takes all day to move your 3D archery targets.
10. You’re trying to invent a way to remodel your lawnmower into a tree stand.
11. Your idea of bad timing is having a child born during deer season.
12. You wonder why Chanel No. 5 is so expensive, but never question the price of doe urine.
13. You think every antler you see is the most fascinating thing you’ve ever seen.
14. When you tell someone you went hunting for shed antlers on April Fool’s Day, they say, “Figured as much.”
15. You carry your own swizzle stick to parties -- an antler you found that was shed by a spike buck.
16. You keep notes about your deer hunts in a safe deposit box at the bank.
17. You have a list of things you’d be willing to trade to a landowner for exclusive permission to hunt, and your firstborn is at the top.
18. You hunt near home, and refer to home as your “lodge” or “camp.”
19. Deer meat – it’s what’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Between meals, you snack on jerky.
20. You floss your teeth with deer hair.
15-20 – No doubt about it – you’re a certifiable deer geek.
10-15 – People think you’re a deer geek, and with a little more effort you’ll be certifiable.
5-10 – People know you’re a deer hunter, but you’re at no risk of being a geek.
0-5 – You’re not serious about deer hunting. You must be a geek about something else.